Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Stop Asking

One time I complained to a doctor friend about the response I got from my father every morning  when I asked how he was feeling. Her response was "Stop asking him." At the time I didn't understand that response but as the years have passed I've understood it more and more. 

My father suffered dementia, thinking and expressing himself was difficult. My question was not  necessary and it added to his frustration. That was 1987.

Today in 2016 that statement crossed my mind again. It is almost impossible to get an accurate account of how Bob is feeling at any given time by asking him so why bother? I can tell more by watching him than by what he says.

While Susan was here we switched the recliner in his room for another one in hopes of finding one he would like. She made some adjustments to make it easier to raise the foot rest. She asked "Is that better?" He mumbled around but never gave her a good response. She went in the other room and adjusted his recliner's twin and asked a friend to sit in it and see if she thought it helped. She quickly said it helped a lot. What was gained by asking Bob?

This morning I told him that tomorrow we would go to either Walmart or FredMeyer to get fresh produce so which did he prefer. He never gave me a good answer. Tomorrow we will go to FredMeyer because we need an extender chain for his ceiling fan. From now on I won't ask.
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I've been having a lot of lower back pain, all very annoying. Couldn't imagine what had happened.


Finally it dawned on me I have not used my lumbar cushion since I got the new recliners. I've used one for years but they aren't attractive. I thought surely I would not need one since the chair was new but not so. It's back in my chair and I don't care that it's unattractive.
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Bob is slowly making the adjustment to having groceries delivered. He finally got around to asking me to let him see the receipt. He is going over it line by line but so far has not said a word. Unless he can figure out a better way to get groceries into this house he'd best not comment.
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This morning, because we weren't out running to grocery stores, we worked together to make chicken kabobs that I will put on the grill when the time is right.

21 comments:

  1. I see you are making good use of your new free time by working together. Cool.
    I may have to get one of those lumbar cushions. My lower back has been killing me lately. Thanks.

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    1. I've had this lumbar cushion several years and don't know what I'd do without it. Yes I do, I'd have back pain.

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  2. I think I love your daughter. :) We may all be having back problems from sitting at the computer too long...or am I only speaking for myself? I may have to get one of those lumbar cushions.

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    1. I suspect most of us sit to much is why so many people have lower back pain. Yes, our daughter is a treasure.

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  3. If you don't like the color of your lumbar cushion, just make yourself a little pillow case. That's what I did and I did it by hand in less than an hour. The travel pillow cases probably fit as well, if you can use white.

    Do you have a farmers market around? They are fun places to buy fruits and veggies. My husband loved going to ours. Might help Bob break the grocery store habit. I love going to the grocery store---reading labels and expiration dates, seeing what's new so I kind of feel sad for Bob. LOL

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    1. Sorry Jean, this hard hearted old woman is not hearing you. He can sit in the pantry and read labels and expiration dates. The farmers market is an excellent idea. We have a nice one and have never visited it a lot. I'll have to think about how close I can park to where the action is but Main street in our town has nice benches where we could sit and watch people in between short walks. Good idea.

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  4. I use a lumbar pillow too. I never thought of putting a pillow case on it. Great idea. I'm going to be looking for a scrap of material. I also keep something across my recliner seat since Buddy loves to sit with me. I should probably slip cover the whole thing but if you have dogs or kids, you have to expect some messes.

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    1. In a younger life I would jump right on that idea of a cover for the lumbar pillow, today, not so much. I never covered the furniture much when I had pets. Just vacuumed good.

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  5. I've learned this little trick too Linda. I no longer ask about how he slept the night before. I'm realizing that he really doesn't remember, but in trying to "fill in the blanks" his response is just as likely to be negative. I'm better off greeting him with a smile and ideas of what we might do today. Works much better.

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    1. It's amazing how many questions I ask him in a day that are not necessary. You begin to think twice before you ask. Just leads to unnecessary confusion.

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  6. I have a lumbar support cushion in my recliner too. I have used it for about four years or more. It doesn't look pretty, but it sure feels good when I sit myself down there in the evenings after a day of being busy.

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    1. There comes a time in life when looks no longer matters.

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  7. It wasn't until after I retired that I realized my herniated disc (the danger of marrying a man 6'2" and then lifting everything with him) and therefore back pain was exacerbated by all the hours I spent at my computer. It's just that little tilt as you lean in to look at the screen that can do you in.

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    1. Lumbar support cushions are one of the greatest creations ever. I'd hate to live without one.

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  8. So there are some very simple things to help...don't ask. I like it.

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    1. All of us would be better off if we practiced 'don't ask' a lot more.

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  9. Don't ask makes so much sense especially when you can find out so much more just by observation.

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    1. I had no idea how many questions I asked in a day until I began trying to notice. Most are also unnecessary.

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  10. Good point about not asking questions. I need to file that away for future use. Your lumbar support cushion looks fine to me!

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  11. I first used that tip in 1987, now 29 years later, I'm using it again. Amazing how much of my experience of living with my father is coming back to me these days. He was 82 when he died. Bob is 84.

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  12. Yes, asking questions can be greatly over rated!!! Just go with it....

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