Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

A Come to Jesus Talk

From time to time during the 54 years I've been married to the husband we've had to have a 'Come to Jesus' talk. Bob is OCD about a lot of things. Once he becomes focused he never lets up. It's like being screwed in a vice. I stand it as long as I can and then it's time for a talk. It seems to me the subject of food comes up entirely too often in this house. After all we're talking about two people, not a houseful of hungry children.

These days I try to go with the flow of whatever keeps Bob calm, anxiety free, stress free, and happy. I figure he's my top priority. He turns 84 in a few days and he's not well.  The problem with this concept is that I am NOT calm, anxiety free, stress free, and happy.

The man talks non-stop about food, cooking, grocery stores and 'supper.' I could care less about food, cooking, grocery stores and 'supper.' He never gives it a rest.

Monday was a trip to Costco. Tuesday was a trip to Safeway. This morning it was time for a  'Come to Jesus' talk. As is our tradition, I explained to him he has screwed the screws too tight. I can't breathe, time to loosen up some.

A) I cannot continue to be totally focused on food. I'm gaining weight and that is very bad. I'm also not eating what I'm supposed to eat as a diabetic. It has to stop. I have to focus now on my own health and diet, which is very different than his food focus.

B) Breakfast is set in stone here so I don't have to deal with that. I will continue to plan and help prepare the noon meal. Once the kitchen is cleaned up from that I'm through for the day. I do not want to hear another word about food.

C) Supper, as he calls it, we will prepare separately. The things I need to eat are not the things he likes to eat. There's plenty of food in the kitchen for him to prepare himself something light for his 'supper.' I'm pretty clear on what I need to eat, none of which he cares about.

D) I put a magnetic notepad on the refrigerator. He can note anything he wants from the grocery store and I will do the same.

E) Grocery shopping will be done the following way. We will shop the grocery store of his choice (excluding Costco). I will prepare a shopping list for him of all the foods we routinely buy and need to pick up that day. I will corner a small grocery cart and get him and his list started. I'll have a list of the things we don't routinely buy for me to pick up and I'll take a small cart and go the opposite way. We'll met back in the register area where I will unload groceries from both carts, and check out. We've done this before and it works pretty well. This week I set him off to do his shopping and slipped next door and got my hair cut, then came back and did my shopping and he was none the wiser.

F) Costco will be a once a month trip. He buys little food there, but lots of paper goods and that sort of thing. He knows exactly what he's going for and doesn't need my guidance. I will find a chair, sit and listen to an audible book while he shops. I don't care how long it takes him to shop, how slow he walks, or how long he stops to look around. As long as I'm not doing it I don't care. He can take the cart and putter around all afternoon if that's what floats his boat.

I've got to change the subject in this house. I realize he needs the social outing. I'm willing to give him that but we must not talk food 24/7.

I've got to get back to walking and thinking about something other than food. As a diabetic food has ceased to be a pleasure I live for, but rather a necessity for living. I know how I'm supposed to eat and do not want to think about food anymore than is necessary.

And that's how I feel about that!

22 comments:

  1. Sorry you are having such a hard time of it. I guess it could be worse. He could be out buying high ticket items, and then worrying about having to go to work to replace the $$$ he's blown. I realize how grating it can be and you hold back the urge to let out a primal scream.

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    1. Yes, I'm actually very lucky. It could be so much worse. I'm thankful finances are not an additional problem I'm dealing with. Many caregivers deal with both.

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  2. You're in a very difficult corner. You have to pick your battles and let other stuff slide by. But you always have a good sense of humor.

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    1. It could actually be much worse. He's pleasant and most of the time easy to live with unless he's focused on something. Even then he's pleasant, he just talks it all the time. I think it's like the old saying "it's not the boulder in the road but the gravel in your shoe."

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  3. I think you are a very wise lady! I hope your husband realizes what a gift he has in you! He may not, but you are!

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    1. He's a wonderful man and has always been patient with me. I know he doesn't want to be a problem but sometimes I do get weary. In spite of that it's so much better than being without him.

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  4. Your last comment gives me more perspective. It lets me see the love that is in your relationship. Because of that love, you are willing to give the care that Bob needs and he will be willing to let you meet your own needs. You have worked out a good plan.

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    1. He's well worth all the effort we put into him. A lot of the problem comes from his efforts to 'help.' I'd like to put an end to that but if I do I'll put an end to who Bob is. He's has to take care of those around him. Consequently we journey on with his 'help.'

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  5. You are a wonderful helpmate, Linda. However, I realize how stressful it can be. I'm thinking about you.

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    1. I have to talk about the situation to somebody so I do that on this blog. Then I can go forward with what I need to do for Bob in good spirits most of the time.

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  6. FWIW I can emphathize with your need to have different diets as that became the situation for my husband and I. I was working part time, fixed what was healthy for both us us with foods he liked, too, if he hadn't already eaten. If he wanted other foods he fixed them himself which I kindly, but had to repeatedly decline to eat. Was sometimes a really humorous situation I would laugh privately to myself about. Don't know what was going on in his thought processes. He had long since ceased to be the person he had been in some ways for a combination of reasons I was never quite sure of including effects of health issues, medications, perhaps aging as some years older than me, possibly decreased external social interactions, what appeared to be increased thinking turned inward, and/or other. When he began experiencing steady but unrelieved low grade wearing pain, sleep issues, he had difficulty concentrating, but might get focused on one matter from which he did not readily change unless his thinking was interrupted. Patience is the name of the game, but a word easier said than practiced. I never had all the answers but kept trying. Sounds like you're coping as best you can with the challenges.

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    1. He is pleasant, thus making the job much easier. It's what happens to couples at this stage of life. If I weren't caring for him he would be caring for me. I prefer the role of caregiver. You're right. It's impossible to know the answer. My record at guessing is pretty bad. Much of it doesn't follow logic. So, we press on while I sound off on this blog from time to time.

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  7. Well done, Linda, looks like you've had a true conversion moment of truth and clarity. I do empathize, my husband is a hypochondriac and talks on and on about his imagined illness. His parents love nothing more than discussion vitamins endlessly. It all drives me nuts, but I love them all anyway. I do hope your plan works out to your liking.

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    1. Thanks Connie. Frankly, I prefer my problem to yours. Hypochondriacs are hard to deal with. Bob's twin talked on and on and on about his ailments. Bob is the opposite. He doesn't talk enough about his.

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  8. Red {above) is a wise man. You have to pick your battles and do it with humor and it sounds like that's what you're doing.

    Would it worry Bob if you told him you were going next door for a haircut? When I left my husband to shop on his own I gave him an index card to carry that said "In case of emergency, my wife is nearby and can be reached at this number -----" The "In case of emergency" part was written so it could be seen by others when I tucked it in his pocket. It helped ME feel better.

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    1. The card with contact information is a good idea. For years I prepared a sheet of all his medical information that he kept in his billfold. Now all that information is in his cell phone. He does have a medical alert thingy on his key ring. I need to prepare another sheet of paper. He likes that best because he likes something he can hold in his hand. Thanks for the reminder. I'll get to work on that.

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  9. Understanding, adjusting as we go. Your kindness in handling a frustrating situation is admirable. Sometimes it takes all we've got to muster up the patience needed.

    You are wise to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Diabetes is nothing to fool around with. It's kind of like what they say on airplanes; put on your own oxygen first, then help your child/elderly companion. We do our best for our loved ones when we are also taking care of ourselves. Sometimes it is a tricky balance.

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    1. I decided the level of care I'm able to give Bob relates back to the shape I'm in. I've got to be diligent in meeting my health needs in order to do my best work with him. He pushes the rules so I will have to be firm in setting the boundaries.

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  10. I got a kick out of your being able to slip next door for a haircut, and Bob was none the wiser. Bob does require a lot of understanding, and you certainly give it to him. You seem to have a wealth of patience. I need more of that!

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    1. He also gets anxious if I'm not close by. What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him. Let him think I'm near by in the store. Telling him would have meant taking him with me to get my hair cut.

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  11. I understand your lack of interest in food shopping. While I was in cardiac rehab I was talking with a lady about how boring a heart healthy diet was. She said, "You want boring? Try following a diabetic healthy diet and a heart healthy one at the same time." Looks like you have that problem between the two of you. Mercy. Separate meals like you do is probably the only way.
    Glad you have found a way to pass the time while he shops. Well done.

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  12. I understand the diabetic thing. My Grand Girl has been here for the weekend and my schedule is all off and my numbers high. You're right. You've got to take care of the diabetes/food.

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