Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Time To Grow Up

Sometimes growing up is hard. Sometimes you don't realize how good you had it until it's not that good anymore. Until last summer when Bob's health worsened I had no idea how much he took care of in our day to day living. My world changed in a hurry but the good thing was he was still with me to guide me into these new responsibilities.

I thought of this today when we needed gas in the car. I've probably bought no more than six tanks of gas in the last 30 years. I knew absolutely nothing about the car, not where he took it for repairs, where to get it washed, nothing. You're really going to laugh when I tell you the process for buying gas in Oregon. You drive up to the pump and stick your credit card out the window, that's it. There is no self-serve here, still I never bought gas.

Grocery shopping was another challenge. Those of you who've been with me a while know the struggle grocery shopping and cooking have been given Bob's obsession over it. It's not that I can't cook or buy groceries it's just that he'd done it for the last 40 years and was in no mood to give it up. I was in no mood to take on that responsibility so we had to do some serious adjusting over that one, which continues to this day.

Cleaning the refrigerator, probably 30 years since I'd done that. Trust me I'm a whiz at it now. Decluttering is lots of fun in a refrigerator.

Taxes, absolutely clueless, but not anymore. I was front and center this year when it was time to do taxes. Got it.

I'd never dealt with issues related to our income or to the pharmacy prescription service that supplies our medicine. Not a problem now, I can handle it.

Trash, that seems simple enough, but not as simple if you live in an apartment. Not hard to learn but with Bob it had to be done a certain way, his way. I got it, I can do that. In fact I'm pretty good as a trash lady.

I got myself a notebook and a calendar. That's where I keep my brain. He had many medical appointments over the summer. I began writing names, phone numbers and notes about everything.  I collected business cards everywhere I went.  I often wondered if I'd be able to function as a widow but I don't have to wonder anymore. I can do it. I got it.

24 comments:

  1. Reading this blog entry reminds me of my first few years of caregiving...I had 12 caregiver years with my husband. When that role is thrust on a person we learn early on that we didn't really appreciate all the little things we took for granted that our significant others did to balance out the relationship. I didn't cook either or take care of the car. Heck, I didn't even drive when we went places together. Life changes and we swing with it and hopefully grow stronger.

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    1. Absolutely. I never drove when we were together. Had about lost my confidence for driving. Had to get over that in a hurry.

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  2. It's a tough time to have to learn something new. I'm glad you've got it and feel comfortable about it.

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    1. So thankful I was able to learn while he was available to help me. Would have been much harder on my on.

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  3. It sounds like you had a lot of growing up to do. At our age we do tend to worry about how we would fare if suddenly on our own. We each have our own potential problems, but somehow we will muddle through should the need arise.

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    1. For many years Bob was the giver in our marriage but times have changed. These days I'm the giver and he's the taker. I'm glad I'm able to be his caregiver. He took care of me for many years.

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  4. You really stepped up and I imagine your husband is proud of you!
    I received sad news this evening that Luann's husband has been in the hospital and was sent home tonight on hospice care. She knew this was coming but it's still something you can't prepare your heart for.
    Glad you and Bob have this time together.....

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    1. Oh my, that is very sad news about Luann's husband. I'll be watching your blog for reports. Yes, I'm very glad Bob and I are having this time together. Brings each of us a lot of peace.

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  5. I worry about dealing with taxes and finances if I'm ever left on my own. I'm the one with the English degrees, he's the one with an MBA and a career in finance, so guess who takes care of most financial matters?

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    1. The business end is the hardest for me. I hate it but I'm so glad he was available to help me through learning it. So much easier than doing it alone.

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  6. Bless your heart. I've been single 30 years and have it all down but I remember when my Dad died, my Mom had never carried her own groceries in from the car or filled her own gas tank. I'm glad you have been able to accept these changes so well. It sounds like a lot you have taken on, but like you said, better to learn while you have some guidance. Proud for you.

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    1. Last summer was stressful but these days we've pretty much settled in for the long run and life is going much smoother. We are fortunate.

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  7. Interesting. You have a steep learning curve.
    It's hard for me to relate to your previous roles. I am in charge of a lot more than you were. i sometimes wonder what Tom would do if I went first. But actually we do have a pretty even partnership.

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    1. Part of this is Bob's need to do everything for his family. If it had been up to him our kids would have never done anything for themselves. I well remember a fight we had when Rodger was young and I wanted him to make his bed. Bob strongly protested and for years made his bed every single day.

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  8. Oh, Linda, this sounds so familiar. I would have to say that my experiences are similar to yours, only different in that the changes have been more gradual over the last several years.

    I admire your positive attitude to take on these challenges. Your outlook will serve you well. And, by writing about these challenges, hopefully you receive the love and support from your blogging community.

    Thanks for a great post.

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    1. Thanks Carole, it isn't always easy to be positive but the alternative doesn't do either one of us any good. He is not well this morning and I admit to being anxious but I must not let him see too much of my concern until I decide what we're going to do. Fortunately our daughter is a nurse and is on top of her dad's condition so she's a lot of support to us.

      On the days he feels bad physically his brain works like he's dragging his thoughts through peanut butter.

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  9. I can relate in some ways although with Mike's death, being sudden and unexpected, I did not play a caregiver role. It is amazing what one can do when faced with necessity.

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    1. Olga, I remember when your husband died. There's such a shock factor to deal with when they die suddenly. I know I could have figured all this out but it certainly was nicer to be able to do it with him around to guide me and answer questions.

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  10. I often think about all of this, now that Ken is 75 and I'm 70. I do pump gas for the car, have for years. I know nothing about car maintenance. Ken does most of that himself or takes it to the dealership. Annual tax preparation? That scares me to death. Investments? I'm completely clueless.

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    1. I dealt with my parents finances and learned enough to have some idea what I needed to know. I knew vaguely about some things since Bob and my father both worked for railroads, and I knew vaguely about our military income but certainly what I needed to know. Bob makes no business phone calls. I have to do all that and before I call I figure I need to know what I'm talking about. I've got some insurance stuff to call about this week. I used to never do that.

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  11. This reminded me of the areas in which my Mom struggled when my Dad died. She had 5 years on her own and the adjustment wasn't helped by her mild vascular dementia. Mostly she struggled with getting household repairs done, taxes and keeping her checkbook balanced although she had done the bookkeeping for their business. We solved the repairs problem by identifying reliable tradespeople for each area and having her keep a list and then calling when there was enough to do. Taxes were done by their accountant but either my brother or I had to gather the documentation together for her. We gave up on the checkbook! Overall she rallied very well after 60 years of marriage and was an inspiration to me as is my FIL who also rallied once becoming a widower.

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    1. When we moved to Oregon 12 years ago I took over the finances and put everything online. Bob was opposed to the idea but I stuck to my guns and I'm so glad I did that. I can't imagine having to deal with a check book. I knew when we moved to Oregon we did not want to own property because I knew Bob was beyond keeping up with repairs, a yard and etc and knew I didn't want that responsibility. That worked out to also be a very good decision.

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  12. The thing that impresses me is not only have you stepped up, but you haven't whined about it. The role reversal has to have been a shock but you have jumped right in and learned what you needed to. Of course having such a great teacher for "Managing Household 101" has been a blessing. My Dad was like Bob and my step mom was lost for the longest time when he passed for he had done it all.

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    1. I'm learning how NOT to do things from my sister-in-law who lost her husband last year. She has many regrets. I also do not want to be in the fix your step mom was in. I'm going to make this work or die trying.

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