Bob does 90% of the fretting at our house but occasionally something provokes me into doing a little myself. Currently I'm fretting about Bob's appointment this week with the hematologist.
A number of years ago Bob was referred to a hematologist because of a low platelet count. The doctor was quite sure it was Myelodysplastic Syndrome, just needed a bone marrow test to confirm it, but it did not. Now what?
A few months later Bob was not doing well so they tried again. Still did not confirm it.
Then it was off to the medical school (OHSU) to see the guru of blood disorders. His diagnosis was Idiopathicthrombocytopenia. He recommended seeing an immunologist.
We scheduled an appointment and learned Bob had Raynaud's disorder in his hands but nothing else. Nothing new to add to the search.
What is Idiopathicthrombocytopenia? It simply means they don't really know. Apparently this happens in older men more than older women and they go on living and die from something else.
Bob's hematologist chuckled at the diagnosis. I think he thought the guru was teasing. In the early days of all this, when they thought it was Myelodysplastic Syndrome, they mentioned it sometimes went into leukemia.
The Internet says Idiopathicthrombocytopenia does not lead to leukemia.
I'm nervous, perhaps I have no reason to be, but I am.
I suppose every person facing the mortality of a spouse thinks "I wonder who I am? I know who I am shaped by 54 years of living with Bob but who will I be when that influence is gone?"
I said to Susan this morning "I wonder how many decisions I make in a day are influenced by how I think Dad will react," and she said "A lot."
I said "Someday I will have cut flowers in my house and burn candles." She said "And I will buy them for you."