This past year Bob's twin brother died at age 83. We have all grieved in our own way and in very different ways. Bob's grief was profound, no doubt because it was his twin. The grief process that I'm most affected by though seems to be his widow's, my sister-in-law.
You see we've been in this family together for a very long time. We're more like sisters than sister-in-laws. It surprises me I'm having such a hard time with her grief.
Nostalgia is not my thing, never has been. She, on the other hand is very nostalgic. Frankly it makes me uncomfortable. We talk often. Frequently she is playing music from the era when they were young and dating. I think this is very comforting to her. She spends a lot of time going through old pictures reminiscing. She tells me many stories from the past. I am most troubled though by the stories about her marriage. They simply are not factual. It would be most unkind and unthinkable of me to call her hand on these stories and remind her they actually fought like hell every day of the 59 years they were married.
I'm wondering if nostalgia is knitting together a set of happy marriage memories where she can find comfort. I would not want to take that away from her. Could some of this be about regrets? She often advises me to touch Bob more, to spend more time with him, not to argue or quarrel with him.
I'm wondering what I will do if this kind of grief should ever come to me. I believe in looking back only for what can be learned from the past, never to dwell on it or relive it. I don't have a lot of photos or spend a lot of time looking at the ones I have. I wonder if I'll spend a lot of time reliving the years I was married? I don't think I will but I don't know. I can't imagine I will have a lot of regrets. While our marriage is not perfect it's always been vastly different than theirs.
Are you nostalgic about the past? If so what am I missing?
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time dealing with your sister-in-law's grief.
ReplyDeleteOff hand, I would say that most people who fight on a daily basis for that length of time, must have had something really great going on nightly, if you get my drift. Even people in love fight.
If you are not nostalgic - there's really nothing I could tell you.
It sounds as if your sister-in-law is stuck in regrets. She wants the past to have been what she now imagines it was. Even if my theory is incorrect, dwelling on the past isn't healthy because she's missing out on today. That's sad, and it's frustrating for those whom she wants go join her in her nostalgia.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty nostalgic myself. I didn't realize it until reading this post. I love the music of my groovy days and still listen to it on my iphone. My pictures are put away but I constantly share memories with my family and friends. I know I do this but just thought of it as an old person thing. So maybe she is a bit like that. If you are not like that now, I doubt you will be later. You'll probably always be forging ahead. I think either is ok, but you are probably going to fare better.
ReplyDeleteWe all grieve differently and this must suit her needs. It is good of you, though probably exhausting, to give her this release and comfort.
ReplyDeleteI think a large part of life after the death of a loved one is remembering the good over the bad. As time passes it gets stronger as the bad diminishes; why would anyone want to hang onto bad memories? If it hasn't been yet a year I'd guess she's about where she should be. The problem will be if she can't move beyond where she is now and keep those memories more private. Just a thought or two.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to agree with Patti. I learned this when I was teaching. There was one year when I had three first grade boys in my class who had lost a sister, mother and father the previous summer. The boy who lost his older sister cried and cried and needed social work help. The boy who lost his mother never showed his emotion and even asked me if he could bring in his mother's bracelet to show the class. At Show and Tell, I saw he'd brought in his mother's emergency room bracelet from when she'd died. The boy who lost his father didn't show his feelings much until we were watching a film about soccer. I saw him crying and brought him out to talk to him. He said his dad was a soccer coach. It was the only time I saw him cry. I saw so many different instances of loss and the way people dealt with it. I hope your sister-in-law can move on eventually. I'm glad she has you to talk to. A caring heart is the most helpful thing, I believe.
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