Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon

Friday, May 20, 2016

Filters

Have you noticed your friends have fewer filters these days? As people age many seem to have problems with their speech filter. Some seem not to have one. Let me give you two examples.

A cousin in an assisted living facility was told by a table mate that she was an 'asshole.' Cousin was highly offended. Knowing cousin I'd say the assessment was probably accurate, but it would have been better received had the table mate filtered her choice of words.

In another life, when I was a 'church lady,' I taught a Sunday School class of the oldest women in the church. None of them were under 80. They were a hoot and we had a lot of laughs, BUT, they said some brutal things to each other. At first I was shocked but eventually learned to ignore it. There were a few really outspoken ladies and a few that never said a word, probably afraid to open their mouths.

This is one reason I do not look forward to living in a care facility. I'm known for being brutally honest but I don't always do well with criticism. I try not to put myself in situations where that occurs but I wonder about my own filter. Have I lost it?

I think as we age we decide we've also earned the right to say what we please. Young people are in an uncomfortable position when an older person delivers unfiltered criticism.  Children and grandchildren are often wounded by the sharp words of a parent or grandparent.

Have you noticed a filter problem among your friends and family, or even yourself?

17 comments:

  1. I've certainly seen a lack of filter in older people and oh, dear, I've probably neglected to see a lack of filter developing in moi. I don't know if the lack is a side effect of old age or a benefit of old age. Maybe we're just damned sick and tired of having to hold our tongues!

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    1. I think there's something to having held our tongues all these years and feeling we've now earned the right to say what we please. I've known some super funny old people who could get away with some pretty caustic language, but I've known just as many that couldn't.

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  2. I agree that tact and empathy should be used at any age. However, when we get older we become very comfortable in our own skin and can say things tat in another ae we would not say. Yes, my filter is a bit worn.

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    1. Good point about being comfortable in your own skin. We no longer have to impress anybody. We are who we are.

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  3. I just spent four hours at "lunch" with women ranging in age from 71 (me) to 89. These women have known each other for many years. I am newly adopted, as these are colleagues of Tom's. I have only been closely associated with them for 15 years or so.
    In this case familiarity does not breed contempt. They are very careful with each other's feelings. Sure, there is teasing, especially when stories from the old days are dredged up, but great care is taken to be kind. I think they still have their filters.

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    1. It's wonderful when you find a group like that.

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  4. Hi Linda, I haven't really run into this although I certainly remember my own grandmother lacking in tact, not sure if that was from age or what. I think what Jean and Red said mirrors my thoughts about aging and finally being able to just say it the way we see it. We've been around the block more than a few times and have come to know what we think about things. I know that is starting to happen to me. It's kind of like, if I don't say it now, when will I have the chance again.

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    1. I'm enjoying these comments. I think I'm learning that most of us feel we've earned the privilege of speaking our minds. I suppose the secret to success lies in HOW we speak our mind.

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  5. "Sticks and stone will break your bones but words will never hurt you." Maybe as we age we just start believing that and start using ALL our words. LOL

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    1. I would submit that words may not break your bones but they can hurt severely. Again, it may be how we say things more than what we say.

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  6. I feel much freer to speak my mind as I age--I call it finding my voice--but i do think I am still sensitive to context and audience. Of course, age can also bring brain events that might interfere with executive functioning. I never once heard my mother say a "bad" word until after she had a mild stroke. Other things wear out as we age, so maybe brain cells do as well. Since those executive functions were later on the evolutionary scale, it makes sense that they would be the most vulnerable to wear and tear.

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    1. You're right I'm sure about the brain aging like the rest of our bodies. Sometimes you see a different personality develop in old people and I always wonder if that's who they really were all along.

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  7. I think my filter is actually tighter. I have a grown daughter with still tender feelings and little Grands that I never want to hear my inner voice. I'm also aware of the stigma of mean old ladies. I do complain like hell to my close friends but I'm trying to watch it for now anyway. As we know, easier said than done.

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    1. I completely understand about daughters. I'm always surprised at what tender feelings my professional daughter has to what I say. Apparently mothers' comments carry a lot of weight.

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  8. If I can't color a remark with humor that I think my audience can handle, I am pretty much church lady. Just don't be around if I stub my little toe at midnight.

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    1. Patti, that is funny. I suspect all of us lose our filters at times.

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