Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon

Monday, April 25, 2016

A Slow Decline


I'm walking a new path these days. Bob and I will be married 54 years in September. He was 30 and I was 20 when we married all those years ago. He's always had a great need to take care of his family so for all these years that's what he's done.

We're now working our way through role reversal. It's my turn to take care of him. The last year has been quite an adjustment for both of us.

He never rode with anyone else driving if he could help it. We made a trip from Texas to Oregon one time without me driving a single mile. I do almost all the driving now. I often wondered what I'd do if the time ever came when he needed to stop driving. I worried for nothing, the process was as smooth as it could be.

Last summer he was very slow physically and mentally. In August he received a pacemaker. Recovery was slow but he eventually returned to a good energy level and mentally returned to what he'd been before. Things went along pretty good there for a while.

Lately I'm seeing changes. He's talking less, staring into space more, and has begun to shuffle his feet when he walks. I do think he's having some lower back discomfort but it's difficult to get him to admit to that, and certainly not pain. I don't even use the word pain anymore. I have no reason to think the pacemaker is not doing its job. His heart is just very tired.

Our daughter is a nurse and flies in from Texas about every six weeks to check on her dad. She noticed a difference this time. She describes his health as vulnerable. A fall or respiratory infection could easily turn fatal. Given he has no immune system because of his blood disorder, the possibility of infection is always a concern.

I'm not sure about this path we're on. I have no idea where it's taking us. I just know Bob's pace is getting slower.

11 comments:

  1. I think we all slow down at different rates, ages, times. Not everyone can remain hardworking at the level of their youth or their middle ages. I've known folks who could, and I've known some that burn out early. You are so fortunate to have Bob with you at 81. Count your blessings, most men do not last as long.

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  2. It's a hard time of life (emotionally more than physically) when we realize the role reversal thing is taking place, when every day we look for changes that we hope we don't find. He is blessed that you are 10 years younger than him. Taking each day as it comes with thinking too far in the future helps, in my opinion. Worrying can drive you nuts.

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    1. That last sentence should read, WITHOUT thinking too far into the future.

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  3. Things never stay the same, do they? Growing old gracefully is not an easy thing to do. This must be hard for you to watch your Bob slowly changing right in front of your eyes. I hope and pray you two find comfort in each other and hold tight to your good memories. Life is so short.....no matter how long we live.....

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  4. We,too, will be married 54 yrs come Sept. (9/8 to be exact)
    and things are quite similar here too. MY Bob has several small issues, so I understand.My mother, aged 94, needs me more and more and such is my life. I will think of you and pray for you and YOUR Bob.

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  5. Bob has been your partner all of your adult life. That this partnership may be in its final stage is difficult to cope with. Bob is so fortunate to have you as his caregiver and a loving daughter who cares so much for her father.
    You are still a vital person and so I know this is hard on you. I hope you can find a way to get a bit of respite in the coming days and months.

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  6. Bless you both. I think about things like that. Like what will happen when I reach that stage. My daughter will be there for me but will I be interrupting her life. We'll just have to see.

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  7. Oh Linda, I feel for you! The challenges of caregiving are many, especially when they involve mental/cognitive changes. Sometimes it is almost easier to deal with the physical than it is with the mental.

    You are a strong woman, and you will need all of this psychological strength to help you with the future challenges you face. I read an article the other day that focused on the caregiver. So many times our friends/family will inquire as to how your spouse is doing. But even MORE important is how YOU are doing.

    The other observation that I have (that I am dealing with also) is that there are some conditions, stages in life, where there is no "fixing up". The condition is untreatable, and the decline is certain. This is the point where we must take care of ourselves, recognize that we are human, and do the best we can. I'm going to share a link with you that I think you and your readers may find helpful.

    https://welcometodementialand.wordpress.com/2016/04/25/knowing-better-and-doing-better-in-dementialand/.

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  8. Thinking of you and Bob. It's a difficult stage, for sure. Congratulations on 54 years of marriage! I hope you get some time to yourself occasionally, a day off to go out and about and techarge.

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  9. I am so sorry that your Bob is slipping. It must be brutal to watch. I was wondering if he has been tested for Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. This is treatable and is often misdiagnosed as dementia. The shuffling gate is a prominent symptom of NPH.

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    1. Patti, thanks, I will immediately read up on that.

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