Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Adult Children

It never ceases to amaze me how different children can be in the same family. I suppose that's good. We live four miles from our son and his family. He is our child of few words, a real introvert. I felt like God had truly smiled upon me when he finally began texting. 

For years I'd more or less left him out of the loop with the situation involving Bob. He seemed to prefer to think everything was going to be okay and I would take care of any problems that arose. He's not a handyman, and besides we can just call maintenance when we need that sort of thing. He doesn't fix cars so we never called on him for that. Once every four years he drives us into Portland to get my military ID card renewed.

A while back I decided that situation was for the birds. He isn't unkind. I never doubted his love for us. He just likes to live in his own world. He's not one to notice things he could be doing. You have to thump him from time to time to get his attention. I decided I'd make a good thumper.

I daily text his sister about our situation so why not do the same with him? Not necessarily the same text but something. Perhaps he doesn't pick up on things because he doesn't have enough information. For a while now I've been 'thumping' him everyday with a text message.

This week I received the following text message from him: "You need to get out of the house more. We should see some things at the cultural center and some plays at that other company in Hillsboro. Check out that new Middle Eastern restaurant too."

"Yes" I said to myself! Success!!

Tonight he has invited me to go to dinner and see a Christmas play with him and the grandson. His wife preferred a quiet evening at home, alone.


Our daughter is the opposite. She's a nurse educator in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in Texas at a children's hospital. She's in charge at all times, always alert to everything. She was here during Thanksgiving and brought me this fresh greenery wreath she found while out shopping one day. I was thrilled. Never used fresh greenery in Texas, too hot, always dried out too soon. Here it will last nicely through the season.

When I got that text message from her brother I immediately thought back to the days when my parents health was failing. I lived 45 miles from them, had a family and worked full time. I would blow in on Saturday, take them grocery shopping, or do it myself, clean their house, deliver the necessary medical supplies, check whatever the home health nurses wanted me to be aware of and make my way back home knowing I had it all to do again when I got home.

I had an unmarried cousin who visited them from time to time and mother never failed to tell me "When Jo Marie visits she seems to enjoy just sitting and visiting with us. She doesn't ever seem to be in a hurry."  Grrrrrr To myself I would think "Yeah, I bet she does. She's not responsible for you." but of course I never said that out loud.

I immediately thought of that when I got the text from son this week, and wondered if she would feel like that about him. I sent her a copy of his message and told her about how I had felt. She was gracious and responded "I'm glad Rodger invited you. He is doing something I can't - giving you a nice distraction and night out. Should be fun with Caleb going." As usual, she's right. When she comes Bob attaches himself to her like velcro. He loves it when she's here and she's a real daddy's girl. She also takes care of a host of things for us.  I sometimes go out in the afternoon shopping with her for a short time but we're never gone long. It's just not practical for us to go out to eat alone and go to a theater performance.

It's nice to think of them each doing their part.

19 comments:

  1. Yes, each needs to do their part. Definitely. I hope dinner and the Christmas play, with your son and grandson, are a wonderful evening for you.

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    1. It's important they have equal information. What they choose to do with that information is then up to them.

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  2. Texting is by far the way younger people like to communicate these days. And maybe your son is like me...I communicate so much better in writing than I do on the phone. I much prefer emails or texts than phone calls. Either way, I'm glad you're going to have some quality time with your son.

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    1. Texting is definitely the way to communicate with Rodger. I much prefer it to trying to talk to him on the phone. Unless I carry the conversation there are long awkward spaces of silence when neither of us says anything. Texting is my preferred way to communicate. I love it.

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  3. Each one does something different so all bases are covered.

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    1. Every person has something they're good at it just takes a little time to find it sometimes.

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  4. I think it takes longer for our sons to get the sense of his parent's needs and his responsibility. I have really noticed the change in my son the last few years... the daughter always had it.

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    1. I do think daughters are generally more likely to notice the needs of aging parents.

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  5. Interesting. My son is an introvert too, and if we want him to do something for for us we have to be direct.
    Our daughter is a very busy single mother. At this point we help her out, but there will be a time when she will be checking up on us. Not sure how it will go, since she can be quite bossy.
    Yes, my adult kids are quite different too. What I like about this post is that you are finding a way to include and appreciate both of yours.

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    1. It takes work to include Rodger. It's easy to live life around him. Interesting that entertainment seems to be where he fits best. He likes to take Bob to ball games. Who would have thought it?

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  6. I'm glad you put your son in the loop. Being aware of situations makes us able to help in the way we know how. It is rather nice your children are so different for they are able to supply you with quite different but helpful needs.
    Enjoy those breaks with your son. You've earned them.

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    1. Yes, their differences are nice. It just takes a little work to bring Rodger's to the surface.

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  7. Perfect! So happy that you found the right way to communicate with your son.

    I cannot tell you how much I identify with this post. My so is far from an introvert, a rank extrovert, but he lives 2 and a half hours away when the traffic is down to a roar. Like you, I have no doubt he loves us, but he is uninvolved. He asks how we're doing, but I suspect he dreads the day we may need him. He has a demanding job and three kids. We don't need anything from him at this point, but I'd like to be in touch with him a little more. What mother wouldn't? I think your idea of texting is a good one. I'm going to give it a try. I've done it occasionally, but I think doing it on a regular basis would be worth a try.
    I hope you enjoy your evening out with your son.

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    1. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love texting for communicating with my children. Our daughter is incredibly busy in her job. Neither one likes long phone conversations. These days I text away whatever I want to say and don't worry about interrupting them. I don't expect them to answer every tweet. If I expect an answer I ask a direct question. I'm finding now they do the same with me. They will often text a photo or some short comment about something. Works very well in our busy world.

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  8. I am so happy about this! Both children responding in their own way! I know you are proud of each one!
    We will need to hear all about this evening out! Just you and not Bob?

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    1. It's amazing what 3 hours away from the caregiving situation can do to rejuvenate. It was wonderful!

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  9. Texting was a wonderful invention for us introverts -- I hate talking on the phone and so do my two kids. My son is the extreme kind of introvert, sounds a lot like yours...my daughter less so...but he is the one more available to help if I should need it. In fact when my daughter was a teenager she once told me that if I expected one of my children to take care of me when I became a drooling old woman, it's a good thing I had Kevin! Not that I hold her teenage statements against her but I do remind her of that statement when I talk about my will.

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    1. Most of us that have more than one child know which one will be in charge when we grow old. Susan will definitely be mine. Interestingly she plans to do it from Texas because she knows how happy I am living in the Pacific Northwest. She has all kinds of time she can take from her job when she needs it and she loves visiting Oregon. She'll give her brother his marching orders and she'll continue to fly in to visit every 4 to 6 weeks as she does now. Now, who knows what will actually happen when that time comes.

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  10. Texting and emailing have proven to be real helpful for communication with my children with all of us living in different states from one another. We acquired these digital technologies as my husband's health was declining. Rather than writing letters as I once might have done, I started writing a periodic account of his/our health/general status and could easily send to both at same time over the Internet. Since he's been gone I've continued doing so which is ideal, I think, so they're both on the same page about me as we go along which they've appreciated. That doesn't prevent our having individual contact sometimes, too.

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