Portland, Oregon

Portland, Oregon

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

After Death

As I type this today we have an extended family member dying in a memory care facility in Texas. Perhaps that's the reason this article caught my eye about the Vatican issuing guidelines on cremation.

I am not Catholic so I have to admit it strikes me the wrong way to have the church tell me what I can and cannot do with the cremains of a loved one.

On the other hand I'm also put off by "companies that offer to load cremains into shotgun shells so that family members can take them on turkey hunts."

I think I'm okay with anything in between those two extremes. My thinking has morphed a great deal over the years. I grew up with funerals and memorials, all with a Christian influence. I thought I was progressive when years ago we decided to be cremated.

Then I moved to Oregon. Here it's quite acceptable to have no service of any kind. It's also acceptable to gather in a bar or other public gathering place to tell stories and remember someone who's died.

It's important to remember, whatever you do, it's all about the feelings of those that mourn your passing and not the departed.

Do you have any strong feelings about what takes place after death?

20 comments:

  1. What happens after death? Who knows; I can only surmise. However, the celebration of one's life at a favorite pub sounds pretty good to me ; )

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    1. I can get into that bar idea myself. I think it's time we start remembering the dead in the way that's most appropriate to the situation. I've known of some funerals in churches that seemed very odd for the deceased.

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  2. I think it's important to have a service or get-together of some kind...a gathering and/or visitation open to all gives much needed closure. A death more than just immediate family members.

    The Catholic guidelines are just that...guidelines that can easily be crossed. However, I agree with him about having urns of ashes in the house. I do have a little 4 inch high urn of some of my husband's ashes in the house and I worry that they'll end up in the trash when I'm gone. I have some in a locket, too, at the cemetery, in the yard, at the beach and in the river by his old family farm. Obviously I believe the ashes to ashes thing. My husband wanted a gravesite/stone and we both got what he wanted. The gravesite and stone was important to my bother, too, with our cremated parents but we also scattered part of the ashes. Got to do what is right for each family and should be talked about ahead of time.

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    1. People of the Catholic faith are much more comfortable with guideline from the church than I am but by all means they need to honor those guidelines if it brings them comfort.

      It's important for couples and families to talk about death. We have and our children know our wishes.

      I used to think it was very important to have a gravestone in a cemetery somewhere. I guess that came from doing genealogy. These days I'm more relaxed about that idea. Anybody doing genealogy can easily find the information they need without tromping through old cemeteries.

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    2. You make a good point about not needing the gravestone so much for genealogy research like it used to be.

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  3. My husband expressed wishes to be cremated. For myself, we live near a University Hospital that has a medical school. I have arranged to donate my body to science so that students can learn. Many years ago I was fortunate to view an autopsy. I know that may sound gruesome to many, but it was fascinating to me. After reading and studying anatomy and physiology, it helped to actually view the different internal organs.

    The medical school cremates the remains, after the corpse has served its purpose. They have a very nice yearly memorial service for the families of all those who donated their bodies. It helps to bring closure for family and friends.

    My husband and I decided long ago that at the time of death, the surviving spouse should decide on any funeral or memorial service and/or calling hours.

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    1. We are registered to donate our bodies to science but won't be doing that. Our daughter-in-law is Japanese and follows the Buddhist tradition when it comes to death. Our grandson shares many of his mother's opinions in things like death. Having the ashes soon after death is the better choice for us.

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  4. Like you things have changed. Since I've lived in the same area since 1969, I have all kinds of friends and acquaintances who are passing on. I used to attend 4 or 5 fumerals a year . Now I attend very few. There are different ways of remembering. The last one was a wake.

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    1. Tell me about it, by this age family and friends are few and far between.

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  5. I recently attended a scattering of the ashes, and I didn't like it. Neither did my granddaughter. She mentioned throwing around bone fragments. She is 11. We decided to put my ashes in a family cemetery plot we already have reserve space in. She thought that was OK.
    I think having a service depends on who you leave behind. If you are so old that all your friends are dead, a small family service, or even a remembrance party, makes sense. I'm not sure I care about what happens when I die, but other people might.

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    1. I think I agree with you about scattering ashes. We'll get ashes because that's most appropriate for the way Naomi and Caleb process death. When they're finished with the candles & little shrine, or whatever, in their home they can just put our boxes of ashes on the closet shelf where they keep all the boxes of cat ashes.

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  6. I do NOT want to be cremated; that much I know. Haven't much decided beyond that. Yet.

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    1. Then I would definitely say you should not be cremated. It's good there are other choices.

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  7. I do want to be cremated, as my husband was. The problem is where and who to spread our combines ashes along with our beloved pets. I've moved from the home we shared when he died. He had no service which was fine, as not much family and we are not religious. Dying doesn't bother me, it's the fear of ending up in a nursing home kept alive against our wishes.

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    1. We also do not plan to have a service. The combined ashes, that does pose a challenge. My first thought was to arrange, through a funeral home, to bury combined ashes in a cemetery but don't know if you can do that with pet ashes. I would say to be deligent in signing every legal document possible to prevent the situation you describe about a nursing home. Also talk to your doctors about it every time you see them. Proclaim your wishes loud and clear.

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    2. You are in Oregon with rational thinking. I'm in Fl and it'll never happen here or anywhere in the South...assisted suicide I mean.

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  8. I had a "celebration of life" for Mike. I decorated the town hall with pictures and pieces from his collections. I played music and served pizza and chocolate cake. I read some poems like "When Death Comes" by Mary Oliver and people talked about their memories of Mike. I was mourning, but I also had the tremendous feeling of a supportive community around me.
    I still have not figured out what to do with the ashes. I don't feel right about scattering them so they sit in a nice wooden box surrounded by a few of his favorite books and a few other mementos in a book case in my bedroom. There was a time when I would have found that very creepy, but now it just seems right.

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    1. Some people find it comforting to have the ashes of their loved one in their home and that's one of many choices we have. Perhaps you can let your children make that decision after your death. They might have something they'd find closure in doing.

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  9. I do not want a service. If my husband and son want to invite people to the house for food and talk, I'm fine with that... or not. Whatever they want. I want to be cremated, and my husband wants the same. We've asked our son to take our cremains to the Outer Banks and sprinkle away at the ocean's edge.

    My sympathies on your family member.

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  10. Cremation -- I made this selection at a young age. Ashes to be disposed of as children choose whatever their situation at the time -- possibly where we had their Dad's spread from the air over designated Sedona, AZ area, or mine at sea if better for them, or wherever as don't think I'll know. No formal service needed, but possibly a celebration of my life if children choose & able to get together, but okay if none as virtually no other family members left.

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